Beauty Hurts!

Am I the only girl who thinks that in today’s society being beautiful has a big price to pay? I mean everyone around me keeps narrating that “beauty is what’s inside, it is not what’s on the outside” or “we all get old and one day will have wrinkles and then being beautiful doesn’t matter”, I hear all this I really do but I see no one around me who actually follows any of it. I tried, or I am still trying but being a girl who is overweight it is not an easy thing to do. I always had an ‘I don’t really care attitude’. I mean not like I am someone who is nice and innocent; in fact I’m just someone who is living in the moment. I am really hoping for no one who knows me to read this because on the outside I am a pretty tough girl, but I am about to spill something which I have been feeling for a while; my only hope is to find someone who feels the same way and to let them know that they are not alone in this world.

Let me start by saying that I’ve always been fat, or so I’ve been told. Looking back at the 16 year old me I just want to tell her that she is not fat, in fact she is far beyond from being fat. But everyone around me thought that I was fat. After hearing people calling me fat I started to skip meals, I was an oarswoman (rower) back then; and training was very intense. I would go for training with nothing to eat and the only meal I did have was dinner. My parents never found out about this because I usually leave for school at 7am and then after school I would straight away go for training and come back home around 6.30, 7.00pm. After a while I had to stop rowing to start studying for A/Ls and then I was home so I was eating 3 meals per day. I was not over eating yet I gained about 20kg. Yes and now I am still on that 20kg+. I started telling myself you know what it doesn’t matter being overweight I am still beautiful. I still do a lot of sports and I’m averagely good at them. But there is no sign of me losing weight. It’s really hard and every time someone makes a joke or comment on how fat I am I just show them that I am comfortable on how I look. At least I used to be. After a while these comments that flies in more frequently actually hurts. They start bothering you, especially when you get a comment like: “omg you are actually pretty, you would look much more beautiful if you lose some weight”. What do you mean? All this time I thought that I was beautiful but are you telling me that I am not? There is so much a person can take. Why is it that the people around me want to beat me to the ground?

So much hate in this world. For what? What are you gaining from pushing me to the ground? I have noticed how we as women knowing the struggle to be a woman would always bring other women down. Why do we do this? I mean I tried so hard to achieve this confidence I have, so please don’t try to break it. There is not going to be anything in it for you. If you don’t think I’m beautiful just because I am fat, dark or because of how my hair looks (which does look gorgeous) that’s your problem not mine; so keep it for yourself. Because you know what your words hurt a lot. Don’t try to shame me for being fat because I already know that. And it’s my problem and I’ll deal with it. If you don’t like how I look just fuck off because the last time I checked I am not a magnet that you cannot pull away from. Stop hating so much and start spreading some love. This world already has too much hate it needs some love right now.

P.s. Sorry if I got carried away, but I am not sorry for being fat.